I need to know I am


Anything I become aware of I notice more. Each time something new … never noticed that before. Each time I find a new word I see loads of the same words I never saw before. Each time I see something new, I see loads of people have got there before me. I never noticed that before. I notice it so much more now.

Now after Jesus rose, early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, from whom he had cast out seven demons. She went out and told those who had been with him, while they were mourning and weeping. But when they heard that he was alive and had been seen by her, they would not believe it. After this he appeared in another form to two of them, as they were walking into the country. And they went back and told the rest, but they did not believe them. Later he appeared to the eleven themselves as they were sitting at the table; and he upbraided them for their lack of faith and stubbornness, because they had not believed those who saw him after he had risen. And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the good news to the whole creation.” Mark 16:9-15

See those numbers? They mean something. There is even a book called Numbers. I think there is something in those numbers. A code to decipher. That I can crack. Because once I crack it I have cracked God. Then I can go and take this Good News “to the whole creation” – once I can explain it. Once I can explain God …

Hang on … someone got there before me (again)! Isn’t that Ology. Ology can explain so I don’t need to – even love has been explained.

It is simply how I validate myself. How much I am needed. How much others respect my needs. And when it comes to Love … to God … ? I need to know I am loved. Just as you need to know how much I love you. So we keep score, track whether you invest as much in me as I invest in you. And to make that less mercenary than it sounds, we will keep it mushy, play it slushy, hide need away. In flowers, in prayers, in food, in tithing, in gifts, in meetings, in time together, in church, in bed. I don’t keep count – honest. I just … Know. And when I know you are not meeting my needs? I reserve the right to satisfy them elsewhere. Because I need to be me. I say so. Science says so. And God says so. Because if God is God then he invented science as well. That’s how I know. That’s how we all know.

And God? Anyone ever written about what God needs? He must need something if we need so much. Doesn’t seem to be much writing on that topic! Not “need less” writing.

Day after day. Night after night. Refusal and rejection after refusal and rejection. Ology after ology. Ism after ism. Denomination after denomination. Generation after generation. Sin after sin. Deceit after deceit. Minimalisation after minimalisation. Rule book after rule book. Injustice after injustice. Invalidation after invalidation. Insinuation after insinuation. Where is His need of validation? Where is his counting of investment and return? Where is His slushy mushy hiding away? Where are His needs? Where is His right to satisfy them elsewhere?

Hang on … I see that has been written about. Isn’t that the Bible we forget about so easily. The book, the words, in which I cannot find “need” anywhere in God. Not like we have. Not the love we have. The explainable kind. The needy kind.

And that is why I hold to God. To the bible. To Him. To His Need Less Love.

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7 thoughts on “I need to know I am

  1. Needing less. Whew, that’s a great one, but such a tough one. I don’t need things, but I’m a pretty needy girl in the emotions department. Can’t help it. But I satisfy that need by being what I can to others who need. Somehow it winds up coming back to me, like a boomerang. Like a love boomerang. A loverang! God doesn’t need as we do, but I think He thinks it’s ok for us to need. And if we give, we get. He planned that too I’m pretty sure.

  2. Yesterday, my pastor said something along these lines: As Christians, we want so desperately to make our faith about Jesus + something, when it’s really all Jesus. There is no plus.

    I have been thinking about this post of yours and it finally clicked with me when I heard my pastor utter that word “plus”. We are so hung up on numbers that we are trying to turn Jesus into an equation to be solved (or a code to be cracked, as you said!). Churches focus on the number of parishioners, number of programs, number or new members or mission trips, and primarily, the number in the bank account. And if that’s a low number, we better expect a sermon series on how that low number reflects the quality of our faith. As if quantity and quality are interchangeable. Truthfully, there’s only One number that matters and that’s Jesus.

    I have also been thinking about that word “validate” you used in reference to “need”. Again, you are speaking with such transparent truth. That word “validate” made me think of an office building where you have to get your parking ticket validated or risk paying some exorbitant fee/fine. In relationships, it’s almost as if we are entering into business transactions with people. We give them power over us and place huge burdens on their shoulders. “Prove to me how much you need me, or I’m taking my business elsewhere.” As if it’s not personal. As if need is something to be filled with contracts and signatures on dotted lines.

    Why are we striving so desperately to have the world satisfy our need? The world will always disappoint. People will always disappoint. We are humans. Fickle, needy, emotional humans.

    There is only One who fills and satisfies all our needs. He paid it all. No more transactions, no more validations, no more boardroom deals.

    • Oh yes. And I struggle with “need less” and validation in my own relationships. Yet, with our lord and father it becomes something different and timeless. Both ways. And yet with our lord and father I keep seeing our needs imposed on him. Using his name to manipulate and impose on others. That old unspoken very so refined and plausible emotional blackmail: “if you really loved Him you would …. we should … He would … we must … if you do this He will do that … it is Of God!!” kinda stuff.

      Love your phrase: “And if that’s a low number, we better expect a sermon series on how that low number reflects the quality of our faith.”

      Ages ago I was caught by “meaningless” (Ecclesiastes 1) – and the more I am caught up in “need less”, the more meaningless makes sense.

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