“Sad Love” was how the previous conversation ended.
As with so much god stuff, I have not felt good about learning that is me. Nor has god brought daily living to a pause while he fixes this for me. We just carry on loving – just with me feeling less adequate than before.
And during a quiet moment last night, I was pondering a response from VWoods1212:
“I found that some of the miracles Jesus did was found in the OT (Elijah, Elisha etc) so when Jesus said He didn’t come to change but manifest what was before: me thinking….hmmm. all things are possible. Yes it is. Nothing holding me back.
Start with 2 Kings 4:42-44 (multiplication of bread for individuals); 2 Kings 5:1-27 (healing following instruction of a prophet).”
VW is a CoolKat – an initials only/one word reply kind of dude. So when she uses words I listen.
So I read, I pondered, I googled. And was finding numbers. Elijah 8, Elisha 16. Links with Jesus on miracles done by the OT guys and “repeated” or fulfilled by Jesus. Linkage, numbers, size, greatness, who did the biggest, is it Holy Spirit led, is it still available to me …
And as I was meandering around, the Lord tapped me on the shoulder: “What exactly is a miracle, Paul?”
Now Lord – I might be thick, but not that thick – come on!!
Yet when he asks a question, I know there is a reason. The wrong end of the stick kind of reason. Stick, thick (Heather – another word pairing for you)
Still muttering to myself, off I went to google again:
“An extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency …” (Ref 1 below)
Well that was fine, but it wasn’t enough for me. I wanted a definition of the biggie miracles. The proper ones I can’t do – my “moment of truth” panic ones:
“… only the most interesting or significant of these stories was ever going to be re-told. That this is the case can be seen in the Gospel of John. For the miracles recorded there were ‘edited’ and ‘selected’ and finally written down by him, for the purpose of leading people to faith in Jesus …” (Ref 2 below)
And that little light bulb – the one I thought had been shining bright all along? It suddenly switched on. And as it did, the lord spoke again:
God: “Paul, I just want to check your thinking thus far – the short version: “I need more faith to do miracles – because miracles are big and what you do for others.””
Me: Lord, would you mind if I rewrote that? Sounds a tad harsh, because already I am …
(and then this)
God: “Have I done something for you not explained by logic?”
God: “Do you have any examples?”
Me: “Oh yes – quite a few.”
God: “Have you ever shared those examples with others?”
Me: “Yes – sometimes.”
God: “And what was their response?”
Me: “They said: “That is amazing, that is a … …”
God: “… … miracle?”
(at this point there was a very long pause)
(his timing is perfect!)
God: “Oh goody! Well done you! Glad we sorted this little confusion :-)”
That straight path, the tricky one, that small door path?
Miracles have been happening pre-Jesus, pre-Holy Spirit, Jesus time, post-Jesus time, all the time since the beginning. Miracles are not of a Jesus. Miracles are of God – Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit – Eternity and God are One – Faith and God are One – I Am of One.
Miracles are not “Super Miracles” – super miracles are just “miracles”.
So when “I need more faith” (WRONG!), so I can do “proper miracles” (WRONG!) because little ones don’t count (WRONG!), so I can “save the world for God” (WRONG!) because that is a miracle (Wrong … Wrong … Wrong) – then I have it … WRONG!.
Miracles are miracles. Faith is faith. Size does not matter. A miracles just is. Faith just is. Love just is. God just is.
And this “moment of truth” moment of doubt I have stalled over?
When “I want to do” a miracle – a super-sized biggie? It ain’t NEVER gonna happen that way!
On a good day – I won’t even know. I won’t even be thinking supersize. I will be plodding around as usual … listening as usual – being guided as usual … and He will suggest as usual … and I will follow as usual.
Or (on a normal day) – I will be panicking. Presented with something I can’t handle – begging – not thinking straight – not seeing straight – and he will deliver. And I will be so grateful as I hyperventilate. On a normal day. Because that how it is with me and my god.
And afterwards? Hindsight in others may see “God and a Miracle”. And – if it is a good day (and I have the right end of the stick) – even I might recognise something amazing. And even I might call it a miracle (because I have missed them happening thus far in my life!).
God is not “moments of truth” – He is not about tests – He is not about pass/fail. He is about suggesting. Me hearing or seeing or knowing. Me choosing to follow. And whatever happens “just happens” (usually a complete surprise in my case). Because that’s how it is with God:
Thank you God, thank you guys, thank you the bible guys! I don’t do miracles. I just listen and follow. On a good day.
(Ref 1 above: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/miracle