One bucket of earth connects us all – dust to dust, ashes to ashes being more than a funeral ritual. One mirror we hide from connects us all – the mirror of knowledge looking back at us, of primping and pricking both at the same time.
Just another day in the life and journey of unconditional love. The resentment bubbling up from time to time. The kicking against self-imposed “obligations” of that Love freely given.
The why – always the why. Why then … why still now … why?
My brother told me something years after it happened. That I had been the focus of anger and blame by another for a long time. And eventually – years later – the angry blamer realised they had turned on me as a safe alternative to the person at whom they were really angry and blaming. I never knew before or during or after.
That memory fluttered around as I read something at first sight seeming so dissimilar.
(Paula Moldenhauer: http://abenewjourney.com/2014/05/26/2488/ – writing about the small stuff – and allowing me to see “The Big Stuff” through through her courage and honesty)
One small “mundaneness” tips me over the edge – my “coping with so much else” all focused on one small mundane “something” at which I can “safely” let rip. At myself, and at my God. My sacrificial valve on the pressure cooker of my living.
Some “sacrificial something” safe enough not to displace the important stuff. That balance I need. The comfort I need. The need for “I am okay really.” The “I really do love you God – honest!”. All embroidered within the why. Within the guilt of thinking why. Of being angry. Of feeling alone. Left alone.
All connected within today’s verses:
But now I am going to him who sent me; yet none of you asks me, “Where are you going?” But because I have said these things to you, sorrow has filled your hearts. Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. John 16:5-7
Because it always begins with feeling rejected. “But now I am going … sorrow has filled your hearts”
Sorrow and self-pity. It is to your advantage that I go away
It is always about feeling rejected and left alone. If I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you”
“I will be back, Jesus? Really?”
We hear that phrase so often. Know that phrase so well. The nice way of saying “I have stuff that is more important than you. Be brave. Be strong. Be alone. Believe. Believe I will be back. Believe I haven’t left you. Be alone and believe.”
Problem is that we are both parents and children. Parents to our own children. Children of God. We know both the theory and feel the rejection. We know both the theory of being left, and the truth that we were never left. We know and we feel, we feel and we know. And it gets messy.
Maybe that is why the “why” was then, is now – and evermore will be. Just like Love is, God is, maybe that word – WHY???? – is always going to be another “it just is.”
I love these daily walks with my lord.
And what do He and I do with today’s connections?
Seems to me that God sees it both ways as well. He is the parent and he is the child. He is God and He is Jesus. And He knows we know. He knows we ask why. That we always will. That we will screw ourselves up. Time after time after time. Seeing both sides, feeling both sides – and still feeling alone. Still asking WHY?
That we will “fight” to keep that “bad stuff” out of sight as we did as children. We will fight to stay close to Him. Fight to justify feeling distanced from Him. Fight to answer the Why? And get messy inside as we do. Try and hide it as we do. Not “let the side down” as we do.
I need people like Paula and Rebekah to tell their stories so I “get that.” So I can get that God is totally okay with that. Doesn’t expect more. Doesn’t need like we need. Doesn’t count like we count. Doesn’t Love like we love. Is happy that we are who we are. Always.
As a parent I know. As a child I will always ask why.
God is okay with that. I know. Today.
With thanks to:
And to another whose words grab me in exactly the same way: