He has dragged me back to the keyboard kicking and complaining. And I mean that – I do not want to be here after just writing all that writing! I have a busy day, I am already behind, I will stress all day, I may even get shouted at, might let others down by typing more right now, using my time for this – His time!
“Type – type what we just talked about in the shower – do it – please do it now Paul – for Me. Please.”
And I have no idea why. Because in the shower, He and I were having a chat about the previous chapter.
At some point I would like to add a set of names that have been important in my life and walk with my God. And how do I do that without embarrassing those I love here in my home and world – and tick-off others by missing out those I should include – and how does that all work?
And the thought came as loud as day: “And all those who were not important.”
And in between soaping and scrubbing, what came from that was this: Every person I have met or passed by, or who has passed me by – whether that is in the same air I breathe, the same words I read, or even the same virtual world I share … every single one has helped me become the me I am – become what each of us are – and will be.
Those who have ignored you. Those you have ignored. Those who you have forgotten. Those you remember. Those you love. Those you hate. Those you don’t even know yet – but who passed through the life of one you did meet or passed by. Every single atom of every single cell of every single body of every single moment. All of it and me and you – connected.
And very clearly above the spray of water and splash of soap suds, He said:
“And that is why you matter.”
You are to me as I am to you. You matter and I matter. Whether or not you change lives – you change lives. Whether or not you reach thousands – you reach so many. Whether or not you like or loathe – we touch. Whether or not we connect or pass-by – we are as one. We influence each other. We are each other. And always will be.
And our pebbles matter. Our thoughts matter. Our questions matter. Our doubts matter. I matter. You matter. Our sadness and happiness and anger and affection – our honesty. All of that matters. All of that touches me or you – you or me.
That is why I matter. And why you matter.
No matter whether we think we do. No matter whether we think we can. No matter that we think we have not, nor ever will.
We each matter because we already have – already are – and always will be. He wastes nothing. Not even the moments I didn’t realise or treasure. Even those unknown moments matter in some way I do not understand. That is why a list of important people in my life … it’s not just the ones I remember … not just the ones who caused me to do or be …
All of those remembered important moments were prepared by those I don’t even remember … those I passed by … those who passed me by. And that list of special people? That is not just a few “special” names.
That list is a list of each and every person ever. Before, now and after.
So here I am. Writing up the power shower. The power of the shower. The daily baptism. The washing clean and being renewed. Muttering still in my head. A little “why me” feeling sorry for myself itching to break free and be heard (and just was).
And He smiles. That is relationship. That is Love. That is connection. That is personal. And always will be. That is why you matter. That is why I matter. That is why each of us matters. Always. To Him. And to each one of us everywhere – if we allow.
(And with the writing and saying “okay lord” – now comes the peace.
Maybe the calm before the storm as my workload creaks alarmingly. Yet I look at him. Knowing I am already walking on water. Always have. It is His eyes I look at. His open arms I see. And still without any idea why these words should be here – right now – right this second. Other than He asked. And I trust Him. More and more. And that is enough.
And when I press Publish as requested, and rush off to my noisy storm of work waves – IF I ALLOW myself to look at Him still – I know (because He has stopped my work clock before under intense pressure) – I know He will calm that storm within me as well. If I walk on my water and keep looking at Him, if I enjoy the storm by chuckling with Him, without fear, without being scared – in faith – in relationship)
And I hear his voice chuckling merrily in the background:
”And that is why you matter. Each one.”