I always did. I always will.


Paul my pain is so deep at this time. Could I ask you to write something about a man’s daughter you didn’t know? Tom

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Your smile wasn’t always there for me. Your frown quite often my cautious greeting. Growing up is hard work and full of others telling you what you can. Telling you what you can’t. Freedom is always another year away when you are growing up.

And I won’t embarrass you by getting all slushy and sentimental. Even though I am. And I won’t get all know it all. Even though I know a lot.

I know an awful lot about you.

I know how you formed in your mother’s womb. I know how you kicked and wriggled. How we laughed and cried at your growing. I know how we cried again when you finally burst forth and screamed your disapproval. I know your fingers. Yours toes. I know a lot. And I loved you a lot. So much. More and more.

I saw you as a baby, then a toddler, then a child and a lady. I saw your heart. I felt your soul. I felt your energy. I felt your weariness. Your courage and questions. The sharing and the tantrums. The excitement and the boredom. I grew with you. We all grew together. You taught me as I taught you. You made me laugh as I did you. You made me scream as I did you. We all lived your growing. Seeing this wondrous creation birth and blossom.

We are your creators. Me, your mother, and your Heavenly Father. We birthed you and we blossomed because of you.

And now today – you have been ripped from us – ripped and bloodied and broken. And our hearts are all messy and ripped and bloodied and broken.

You have gone and we are left. Our precious young lioness taken from us. That knowing forever as old as today. As forever young as today. As forever lost as today. We have no laughter today. We have tears. Only tears. We cling to each other. We cling to you. We cling and we cry.

Oh my dearest … why can’t you cling to us? Why are you no more? Why my God – why? Why have you taken her from us? Why this fresh young life, this soul so loved? Why not me – why not me …

My darling. My love. My creation.

I am sorry.

So sorry we couldn’t keep you safe. Sorry we can’t say this to your face. Sorry we have only tears and broken hearts. So much mess. So much mess in your death. So much emptiness. We are all lost today. God – why did you not prepare us for this bottomless pit – this pain – this black emptiness? Why why why???

So we cling to each other. We cling to you. We know a lot about you. You were us. You are still us. Just different. My God keep our love safe. Cling her to You. Cling us to You. Let this dying heal. We can’t heal. We can’t heal on our own. Not today. Not now. Not today.

And, my darling, farewell for today. I won’t embarrass you by getting all slushy and sentimental. And I won’t get all know it all.

Because I always did. I always will.

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Dear Tom, Carolyn and boys –

Love connects. Even today. As best I know how. Even through the shared tears as I imagine your hearts – your souls – your pain – your love.

May my Lord and your Lord – our Lord – hold you tight. Let you feel connected, know some peace. Let Kelly live in your love always.

We grieve with you.


2 thoughts on “I always did. I always will.

  1. Thanks for sharing this Paul . . . I left as messeage on Tom’s site and will be holding his families grieving hearts up in prayer along with my own . . . so sad . . . so many broken hearts 😦 so much pain 😦 too much grief 😦 ~ Only one person I know who can mend and heal all of them 🙂 thank you Jesus!~


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