“I knew this would happen! I came back wondering how long it would take! And guess what – it has!! You did it all over again. I hate you!! Nothing has changed. I tried. You didn’t! Why do I bother?”
Some cut themselves on the outside. And most cut themselves on the inside. Most of the pain I see is in those who cut themselves on the inside.
“I knew this would happen” requires a lot of baggage. Baggage carried around all day. Every day. Requires a lot of inventory. A lot of maintenance. Just to be primed and ready when needed.
“I came back wondering” needs a lot of personal investment. And that investment needs a return. Needs to profit. Needs to gain. And when the price of that stock crashes – the explosion happens.
“You did it all over again” must have the meter running all the time. Measuring each nuance and moment. Spreadsheets at the ready constantly updated.
“I hate you” the internal knife. The slashing taking away the pain. Released from the burden of counting.
You ever do that?
I can. I have. I do that. Many times. And I have had it done to me. Many times. I think we all do. We label it “relationship issues” – makes it safe – makes it sanitised. Keeps the knives in the drawer out of sight. Because when we take the knives out? Then we are labelled as something else. And we mustn’t allow that. It messes with the baggage. Fucks with the inventory. Screws with the brain!
Most of the pain I see is in those who cut themselves on the inside.
“I hurt and I do not know how to … make it go away.”
Why is it so hard to say that? Maybe because it is not an immediate fix. Maybe because that is so much more than counting and transactions and spreadsheets. Maybe because …
And why is it so impossible to not “help” someone saying that? To avoid immediately “fixing” their “problem”? Maybe because … we prefer it to be “their problem” rather than ours. Their pain rather than ours.
All of which makes it them not us. And the counting continues.
Cutting is a symptom. Cutting is not a cause. Counting is a symptom. Counting is not the cause. And only when I decide to lay down the knife, when I decide to hope more than count, to love more than invest, to discard the shiny inviting blades … then the symptoms are no more … then the counting stops.
Then maybe … it is possible to say “I hurt and I do not know how to …”. Then maybe … it is possible to connect rather than cure.
If we allow.
“Jesus entered the synagogue, and a man was there who had a withered hand. They watched him to see whether he would cure him on the sabbath, so that they might accuse him. And he said to the man who had the withered hand, “Come forward.” Then he said to them, “Is it lawful to do good or to do harm on the sabbath, to save life or to kill?” But they were silent. He looked around at them with anger; he was grieved at their hardness of heart and said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was restored. The Pharisees went out and immediately conspired with the Herodians against him, how to destroy him. Mark 3:1-6