I hurt and I do not know how to …

“I knew this would happen! I came back wondering how long it would take! And guess what – it has!! You did it all over again. I hate you!! Nothing has changed. I tried. You didn’t! Why do I bother?”

Some cut themselves on the outside. And most cut themselves on the inside. Most of the pain I see is in those who cut themselves on the inside.

“I knew this would happen” requires a lot of baggage. Baggage carried around all day. Every day. Requires a lot of inventory. A lot of maintenance. Just to be primed and ready when needed.

“I came back wondering” needs a lot of personal investment. And that investment needs a return. Needs to profit. Needs to gain. And when the price of that stock crashes – the explosion happens.

“You did it all over again” must have the meter running all the time. Measuring each nuance and moment. Spreadsheets at the ready constantly updated.

“I hate you” the internal knife. The slashing taking away the pain. Released from the burden of counting.

You ever do that?

I can. I have. I do that. Many times. And I have had it done to me. Many times. I think we all do. We label it “relationship issues” – makes it safe – makes it sanitised. Keeps the knives in the drawer out of sight. Because when we take the knives out? Then we are labelled as something else. And we mustn’t allow that. It messes with the baggage. Fucks with the inventory. Screws with the brain!

Most of the pain I see is in those who cut themselves on the inside.

“I hurt and I do not know how to … make it go away.”

Why is it so hard to say that? Maybe because it is not an immediate fix. Maybe because that is so much more than counting and transactions and spreadsheets. Maybe because …

And why is it so impossible to not “help” someone saying that? To avoid immediately “fixing” their “problem”? Maybe because … we prefer it to be “their problem” rather than ours. Their pain rather than ours.

All of which makes it them not us. And the counting continues.

Cutting is a symptom. Cutting is not a cause. Counting is a symptom. Counting is not the cause. And only when I decide to lay down the knife, when I decide to hope more than count, to love more than invest, to discard the shiny inviting blades … then the symptoms are no more … then the counting stops.

Then maybe … it is possible to say “I hurt and I do not know how to …”. Then maybe … it is possible to connect rather than cure.

If we allow.

“Jesus entered the synagogue, and a man was there who had a withered hand. They watched him to see whether he would cure him on the sabbath, so that they might accuse him. And he said to the man who had the withered hand, “Come forward.” Then he said to them, “Is it lawful to do good or to do harm on the sabbath, to save life or to kill?” But they were silent. He looked around at them with anger; he was grieved at their hardness of heart and said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was restored. The Pharisees went out and immediately conspired with the Herodians against him, how to destroy him. Mark 3:1-6


20 thoughts on “I hurt and I do not know how to …

  1. Sometimes it helps just to listen to the person who says ““I hurt and I do not know how to … make it go away.” Because often we do not have the answers. Much worse is it if the person does not speak up…

    as you say connect rather than cure.



    • All good, thank you.
      He has brought this pain closer of late. Don’t know why. Don’t need to know. But I have seen those who cut on the outside to relieve the pain on the inside. I have known a few who were cutters. And I know that pain on the inside for myself – we all do I think. And I keep reading of that pain here. This morning He whispered. And these words tumbled out. Only He knows why.


  2. Being offended is one of the issues that we allow to take hold of us. It takes our focus away from what is really important. Our walk with Jesus. Jesus healed the man that Peter had cut his ear off with his sword. Forgiveness. Real love. I like this post Paul. May God bless your journey and reveal himself to you.

    Much love Tom


  3. Great message Paul gave me lots to ponder upon! Is it the knife . . . or how big the blade . . . Is it the blade. . .. or how deep it goes . . .??? The pain is there and it’s real and the only was to let it go is to let Jesus heal it! He is the cure all for our wounds those on the outside and in . . . for by His stripes we are healed. . . .
    ~ Blessings in Jesus ~


  4. Dear, sweet Paul – you have revealed his word of love. It seems so clear at times that those who wound are so deeply wounded, yet we take offense rather than offer a word or hand of understanding and compassion. It’s what divides and separates us. Jesus knew the pain. I think it’s why he was so quick to forgive, I imagine, with tears in his eyes. God Soft Hands Jesus felt the cutting pain and invited us all to put down our cutting tools and and our baggage, and stretch out our arms and hands and hearts. Maybe, ultimately, that’s what he meant by picking up our crosses and following him.


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