“our pre-Christian life” Paul – any thoughts?
“Indulgent pontification” it seems to me: Look at me now – look at me then! Notice the swagger, notice the self-absorbed look, see the shallowness, hear the filth coming out of my mouth, see the friends I have, see the things I do, see the way I live, see the utter confusion and despair … ?
And I listen. I see. And I think. I get that you are describing your “previous non-Christian life” … Has it ever crossed your mind that you are also describing your “current am-Christian life”?
Harsh, Paul – true – but harsh!
Lord, I used to be “that”, I used to be that same “screwed-up chick in need of therapy”. What I don’t get is why some live their whole lives MORE screwed-up AFTER they are “saved” than before. The ones that do not dare be depressed, do not dare be ungrateful, do not dare have too much, do not dare have too little, do not dare be seen to question, do not dare be seen to “not know”, do not dare to be heard saying “fuck me”, do not dare to be seen smoking, drinking, dancing … doing anything on this ever increasing list of “our pre-Christian life”.
No Lord I am not finished! How dare “we” make You another list of rules and regulations. How dare we spit in the sand the Pharisees stood in – and then do even worse than them! The Pharisees were at least honest: “We have a list – do the list and you are cool. Don’t do the list and you are fried.” Now we have the “same list” and a whole pile of delusion to go with it! And we call that “saved”?
You done now Paul?
For at least five minutes, Lord.
How old are you? Fifty-eight. How long you known Me? Fifty-eight years in one one way or another. Who was “Head Prayer Writer” at your junior school? You were. Who got a 10/10 and their Religious Education homework read out to the whole class at senior school? You did. Who chose to be confirmed at fourteen? You did. Who walked away from Me at fourteen and a few months? You did. Because you knew “the Me” you lived was an act. Because you had a sense even then that God was too big to be confined – and you were shit-scared of letting Me go free in your life.
Who were you at fourteen, Paul. How much “responsibility” did you have, how much did you have to “keep together”, how many people did you hold in your hand?
Now imagine coming to Me later in life. Imagine never having been “Head Prayer Writer” – never having had you “R.E. homework” read out in class. Imagine never having been confirmed at fourteen. Imagine never having had the chance to walk away from Me – not knowing that you could (or could not) let Me loose in your life … imagine that.
I can’t imagine that Lord – I try – but I can’t – my life is my life – and that is my life.
Well, Paul – you are weird. You have had Me inside you for fifty-eight years. You have had the chance to play with Me all that time. You have embraced Me, and then turned your back, you have pleaded with Me, and then shut Me out, you have walked a while with Me, and then sat down alone. Most don’t. Most find Me later in life. And then do what you did at fourteen: get shit-scared of letting Me free in their lives.
And so they get a little screwed-up. Just as you were at fourteen. But if you do that at twenty, or thirty, or forty, of fifty … you ain’t no blushing bride! You are supposed to be in control, have achieved stuff, know where you are going – you have responsibilities – you “are someone” – you do indeed “hold others in your hand” – you are “responsible” …
And then they find Me! They are saved! And I fuck them up – all without the freedom YOU had at fourteen!
You “allowed” yourself Paul. You allowed yourself to be fucked up, to be screwed, to be angry, to be depressed, to be all the things you have always been – all the things you still are. But at fourteen it so much easier to be “you”.
Lord, it offends me that they dismiss so much of what they are – that You created in perfection – that you desired of them – that you desire in them …
Paul, Thank You! But … have you ever asked Me whether I am offended? Have you ever thought that I see that differently to you? I have eternity (a big plus I can tell you!). I have the joy of “perfect love” (a big plus let me say that now!). So I am big enough to “allow” everyone – in every way – on every occasion. And I guess that can be confusing when you don’t have all the attributes I do.
“No one comes to the Father but through Me.”
It’s really very simple. You let Me free in your life and I will fuck you up. You don’t let me free in your life and you will be fucked up. BUT … when you finally “twig” that WE roam free in OUR life together … that is when it becomes simple: I surrender to you, you surrender to Me – and no one “loses” – neither is “in control” – and then You can be You!
Proof? You want proof? Okay: just this once.
You believe I created you. You believe I indwell in you. You believe we talk (sic!). You believe me omnipotent! The Creator. The Father. The Love. The One. And you also know how many times I have screwed you over – how many times you have screwed Me over …
If it wasn’t ”US” … if it wasn’t Me and you … if it wasn’t “okay” between us … if it wasn’t “real Love” … if it isn’t “real” … I would have fried your ass a long time ago!