On being Christ, Ian


I give you the name Ian.
From this day forth
You will be the rock on which my church is built.
But before going any further Ian
You must agree to the following:

A) To go to church at least once every Sunday
B) To read the bible every day
C) To pray (preferably on your knees) but ALWAYS with your eyes shut
D) To become a member of a church (anyone will do, I (i.e. “God”) am not fussy)
E) To learn Theology (and this is important)
When “they” say that theology is simply talking about God and all “Christians” can do that
What they really mean is I have studied arduously for many years, have sacrificed much, can recite all the isms and ologies going, have a preference to talk using academic jargon, will lapse into labels and churchspeak because that is now my life, and upon reaching an impasse during theological debate will expect you to defer to “their” qualification(s).
F) Go to Theological College (or embark upon some kind of religious academic study)
G) Mix with “Christians”
H) Listen to “Christian” music
I) Watch “Christian” television
J) Avoid those who don’t go to church with the following exceptions:
(i) Volunteering to work with the unchurched
(ii) Outreach with the unchurched
(ii) Ministering to the unchurched
(iv) Leading a team whose sole purpose is the aforementioned (and this is important)
Prayers must be said before, during, and after (all the time) when with the unchurched
K) Become familiar with finances (or find someone who is)
L) Lead (or share the leading) of a committee, council or group.
M) Become a member of different church activities and groups.
N) Always have your diary to hand
O) Practice double-booking your time
P) Practice apologising for double-booking your time.
Q) Have an understanding partner who believes in your kingdom work
R) Encourage your partner to become involved in your kingdom work
S) Add occasional status updates and pictures on Facebook to show your human side
T) Always look tired and stressed
U) Never admit to being tired and stressed
V) End all communications with “God bless”
W) Apologise for not replying promptly to emails (or texts or missed calls)
On such occasions it is permissible to share the pressure of Kingdom Work (and explain that emails/texts/calls are – in reality – a distraction to “Kingdom Work”)
X) Squeeze your time so tight that you leave little room for Me (i.e. “God”) and you to have any personal/meaningful relationship.
Y) Never admit to anyone that you have no room for Me (i.e. God) in your life.
Z) Remember there are more Kingdom rules than there are letters in the alphabet
   (This IS Kingdom Work after all!)
Now – when you are ready, please sign below …

~~~ ??? ~~~ ??? ~~~ ??? ~~~~

“One sabbath while Jesus was going through the grainfields, his disciples plucked some heads of grain, rubbed them in their hands, and ate them. But some of the Pharisees said, “Why are you doing what is not lawful on the sabbath?” Jesus answered, “Have you not read what David did when he and his companions were hungry? He entered the house of God and took and ate the bread of the Presence, which it is not lawful for any but the priests to eat, and gave some to his companions?” Then he said to them, “The Son of Man is lord of the sabbath.””  Luke 6:1-5

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