When you enjoy a rose from every direction – when you can look at each petal individually – when you can see the bloom from every angle … What a sensory joy that can be! And now imagine doing the same with a “problem”.
I do that so often.
And very often it is something so important to me that I suspend this “problem” in mid-air and walk around it. Seeing it from every angle. Seeing each nuance of “what if…”. The problem is usually to do with love, goodness and light. The “issue” is whether I am right to give this “thing” so much time. To the point where I begin to resent this good thing and the chunk of my life it is taking up. Always at the expense of other things I hold as important.
Right now it is all this God stuff that I am tussling with.
This blog – a place where I found community. A place where connections at a deep level are common. A place where change seems not only possible – but welcoming and safe. And from which came the call to local preaching. Greater involvement in the local church and churches here.
And a place where connections are not so welcome, change is not so welcome, where the status quo and hierarchy and God qualifications matter. And a calling that sucks out more time than I would have thought possible. I find I am walking with those who walk with an establishment God, rather than those who walk alone and seek something they have not yet found. I walk with the churched not the un-churched. And the churched are an odd bunch. They also want community. But community that is of holidays, social gatherings, politics, funding, maintenance, who is in and who is out. That kind of community. I find I am compromising again. I am resenting again. I am questioning again.
I want to exit all this – again.
Because in the balancing act of living I have lost the community of this blog world. Community takes time. Community takes presence. And reading your words, your posts – commenting with love – with desire to love … That time is taken elsewhere. And that hurts me. Because those connections of community were(!) life changing. And I miss them.
And then a growing family with grandchildren – a full-time job that needs me focused – a loving partner who supports (but misses) me. Time-tugging is a way of life. And at the core is God. A living God. A constant God. Who also misses me! And I miss Him. I miss the me that is better for walking with Him. I miss the me who walks with others more gently when I walk with Him. I miss the me who gets more done more wisely when I walk with Him.
And then this –
“As they were going along the road, someone said to Jesus, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” “ Luke 9:57-62
And I heard Him whisper again. That beautiful loving sense of sound. A vibration of safety and security.
When you make me a problem, when you suspend me, when you examine me, when you walk around and around from every angle, when you objectify me, when you cease my heartbeat, when you try to reshape me, when you try to make me fit, when you look at me and you from a distance, when you step back from love and give each element a points value …. What space do you leave me? Just embrace me. Simply hold to me. Only dwell in me. Never step back, never step away.
Will I drop you? Would I let you fall? Shall I ask more of you than would nurture and bloom each beautiful bud in you? You are too precious. You are too important. You ARE me and I you. So when I spoke those words of imagery – the ones you name “verses” – they were with love.
Because when you step back and look at the parts of your life as disconnects – each distinct – each with different weight – each with different value … How can you see me? How can you dwell in me? How can we be as one? You will ALWAYS distance yourself in playing “control games” rather than just living in love and peace.
Enjoy your diary. Say no to others when they intrude. Say yes to others who wish to live in love and peace. Walk quietly with me. Walk constantly with me. Smile more at the challenges we face together. Laugh more at the confusion you ALL seek to make of living. See the goodness in each. See the goodness in you. See the goodness in me.
Make life fun again! Dwell in me and I in you. Always! That is how we connect. And that is how you connect with others. Anywhere and everywhere. And one more thing dear Paul …
Each and every one who follows me SHOULD have these doubts, these conversations – or how else do you and me – me and each – stay “real”? Any of this any help, my friend?
Yes. And yes again. Thank you dear GSHJ (again!).
Now – dear diary – let me look at you differently – and let’s both have some fun!!