When I got married I was asked if I would do and be certain things in regard to the person I was publicly committing to. I answered “I WILL!” with all my heart, soul and mind.
After that it was down to me.
When I found those promises hard to keep it was down to me. When we both enjoyed the fruits of those promises it was down to both of us. When I forgot what this relationship meant and almost lost it – both the losing and the finding again was down to both of us.
Yes I was on my knees, and yes I cried my eyes out. Yes I begged and begged and begged again, and yes I did some heavy lifting with Him. But more than that – more than any of “that” – I remember this … Out of the blue – out of nowhere – as I was sitting exhausted – after He had calmed my storm … Out of nowhere He whispered:
“So what are you going to do now?”
What was I going to do now? Crap! And we were off again. It was down to me. Again.
In short –
I own (my part) in this relationship. I am accountable for (my part in) this relationship. If I really desire this relationship – just what am I happy to allow as change? And if this relationship defines so much of how I want to live – how do I do live? And if I choose to wander I may not have a relationship any more. It is down to me. A small statement of fact this afternoon.
Because I keep seeing prayers and requests in the comments and posts here. Prayers and requests that ask (tell?) God to stop “me” straying … to stop “me” wandering … to keep “me” from not being committed enough … to keep “me” from being tempted to look elsewhere … all because “I” am too weak … “I” am not strong enough … “I” can’t cut it …
“So please God make me not do all that stuff. Amen”
Why should God do all the work? Why should God be the one who stops me being me? Love does not do that. Love allows me to be me. If I am a wandering me, love will sadly allow that. If I am an angry me, love will sadly endure that. If I am a lazy me, love will wait patiently for me to slide off the couch and maybe even rise to my feet and be a dynamic me! Love desires – love does not restrain me – love does not fence-me-in.
My God waited and waited and waited for more than years. My God waited for decades.
No one other than my own parents would be that committed. Not even my own soul mate. Not even my own children. None is that committed unless I am that committed. Until I want to allow me to change.
Until I do change.
I know that God accompanies. I know that for a fact. I have decades of knowing that for a fact. But another fact is this. Until I decided that I would allow me to become the person I heard Him inviting me to be … He never forced me to change – He never kept me from wandering. That was – and is – is always – down to me.
So I would ask not God – but my fellow human beings:
If it is not okay to look at your life partner and expect them to stop you being tempted – stop you wandering – stop you straying … If they really must fence you in to keep your love – if they really must keep you inside your relationship …
Is that really love?
And – if it is not okay to say that to your life partner …
Why is it okay to say it to God?