Until I did

When I married it is for life.  When we had children they are for life.  When we struggled with life we recommitted to life and each other.  When we struggle we commit.  We have given all.  We give all.  We commit all.  And even that may not be enough.  We live for each day now.  Promises of for ever are easy to say.  Hard to live.  Promises of forever can make each struggle harder.  Harder to live today.

I married in love.  I found out what love is after.

When I am saved it is for eternity.  When I am washed clean it is for eternity.  When I struggle it matters less.  Eternity is forgiving.  Being washed clean even more.  I have not given all.  I never give all.  I never commit all.  It is enough.  Eternity is forgiving of commitment issues.  Promises of eternity are easy to hear.  Easy to live.  Promises of eternity make each struggle easier.  Easier to live today.

I was saved from despair.  I found out what despair is after.

I danced in the doorway.  A line dance.  A dance taught.  A dance learned.  I danced in the novices line.  Watching the veterans.  Copying those who danced with ease.  I learned the dance.  I learned the rhythm.  I moved without ripple.  I danced in the line.

The doorway was light.   The dance was in gloom.  The line reflected.  The dance was all.  The doorway was death and what lay beyond.  The doorway was heaven but not for right now.  The doorway was God.  A light too pure.  The beyond was God.  Too scary for now. The doorway was death.  The doorway and passing through always the passing and going home.  A home of for ever.  A home beyond the dance of death.

One day as I danced I saw through the light, the doorway of death, a young mischievous imp smiling back at me.  This imp beckoned with a twinkling eye.  The imp invited me a party not death. I danced in the line.  But now dancing beyond.  That imp through the door and promise of fun.  That was not taught in the dancing of line – that imp through the doorway with a twinkling of eye – that was not death nor God nor Heaven of Holy.  That imp through the doorway never minded the line.

I never knew why but wanted to know.

I watched the imp more than the line, I saw the imp float back and forth.  This way and that through a doorway dissolved (yet real for me).  The imp with the twinkle saw no door.  The imp with the twinkle welcomed us all.  Yet the line danced eyes down.  The eyes never met.  The line danced eyes down of fear of my God.  The imp was life and no fear.  The imp looked up and at all around.

I never knew why but wanted to know.

The line danced in death one step at a time.  The line was not living not now I saw imp.  The imp was the living as I looked at the line.  A lifetime of dying one step at a time.  A lifetime of stepping one step closer to death.  A lifetime thought living whilst waiting for death.  Then release of the soul to fly through the door.  That embrace of soul with the God of the line dance.

The imp beckoned and I faced death.

I fell from the line and knew then “fear thy God”.  For the devil swooped in like a vulture smelled death.  Salivating for flesh of this stricken line dancer.  Circling with menace for my soul out of line.  Yet the Son Of God my only Protector stood steadfast between.  The devil snarled and moved to the left.  And this dance ensued with me as the prize.  My God never took His eyes from me yet mirrored each move of the devil behind.  The devil howled pain at the theft of my flesh.  Yet my God never took His eyes from me.  The devil turned this way the devil turned that.  Yet my God never took His eyes from me.  And (it may have been seconds but felt so much more) the devil raged and left.  My God never even looked.  My God never ever took His love from me.

My God winked at imp as the imp winked at me.  “Come through the door, the party is here.  Come through the door and fear no more.  Come through the door and die no more.”

I left the line that day and danced with imp.  I left dying behind and lived in Light.  I danced out of line and found my God has no rules.  I danced back and forth no line no more.  The doorway is not.  The doorway is not real.  The doorway is not there.  Not once you pass through.  But until I did.

I never knew.

So I wonder if eternity is no more than a devil’s con.  The promise made easy.  The present not real.  The future post-death assured and now owned.  What need have I of my God in my daily life?  What need have I to change the world (or me or you) now that He goes before to prepare my room for me?  If I slip and fall is He not there to buffer.  If I falter of foot will He not even suffer a hair of my head to flutter.  Forgiven and saved I only need the dance.  The line dance of death as we each shuffle closer.  Closer to the door.  To the Light. And our home beyond.

I never knew life till I left the line.

I never knew God till I danced with imp.

I never knew life till I stepped through the door.

I never knew why.

Until I did.


3 thoughts on “Until I did

  1. Pingback: Observations through the doorway – the what | Just me being curious

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