You can’t do that … it doesn’t work … you must do this … this works …
I have seen people tell themselves that time after time. Limiting. Self-limiting. Playing safe. Staying safe. In relationships going nowhere. Not in jobs they ever think themselves capable. In living they will never do. Places they will never see. Feelings they will never experience. People they will never meet. People they will never become.
Religion does that. Fighting over a bible does that. People do that. People do that to each other and themselves.
I do not want to change the world.
I have learned that comes with a package of distractions. A movement that becomes an institution. A cause that becomes another obstacle to freedom. A purpose that becomes another compromise.
I have learned that I can only change myself.
I can write about that change. For myself. For anyone passing by. I write these changes so I have something I can look at and know my change is real. So I can look back and remember. I write my confusion because my change is usually messy. I write my messy because that is all I can write. I write because “you can’t do that” is a lie. I write because “I can do that” is a truth.
My journey here is spiritual. Of the bible and faith. Of world faiths and religion. Of belief and relationship. Of love as unconditional and available right now. My journey. My doubts. My change. My “I can” and my “I can’t” …
And it is a lifelong journey. Or else I cease saying “I can” and start living “I can’t”. I can’t give up drugs. I can’t give up this relationship. I can’t do that. I would never do this. They can’t do that to me. They can do that to me. I can’t do anything about it.
Or the alternative.
I think I might. I think I could. I’ll give that a try. What might be the result of trying this? What would happen if I let go of that? What would be the result of not having to do this?
I have found change begins with a mental “first step” every time. Of asking “could I?” (and hearing “I think I might”). Of asking “how then?” (and hearing “what about this way?”) –
Of taking a first step together. Of never taking a first step alone. Not inside where no one can see. Not in my heart and soul where all of these conversations live. I am never alone in that deep and personal space. I call my companion God Soft Hands Jesus. Others have different names. Some spiritual and some not. The name doesn’t matter.
Being alone does.
Being alone goes like this: “could I?” ( and hearing nothing), of “can I?”(and hearing fear), of “I really want to (but I can’t)”, of “I want to (but I am scared)”, of “I would fail – I know I will fail – I always do – I can’t – I just can’t”.
I am not a role model. I am nothing special. I am you. Just different doubts, fears, hopes, ambition, friends, family, living … Sometimes living well. Sometimes not. Just never alone.
Always with a companion who sees the best in me. Who wants the best for me. Who knows I will be safe. Who knows I am safe. And who never tells me I can’t – who never tells me I must.
In the bible I see someone like that. In each faith I see someone like that. In many normal lives I see people living like that. And in the bible, in each faith, in many livings I don’t see that. I see people using whatever it takes to say I can’t, you can’t, we can’t.
I see people telling other people “don’t do that” and I think I know why. Seeing someone “doing that” means I know I could as well. But that means letting go of my “I can’t” first.
Change is messy.
I have yet to find much that no one else has done before. I have yet to be the first to do anything. And that is not the “why” for me. The why is because I have never done that before. The why is because I am the first “me” to do it that way.
And I have found I can do that better with GSHJ and me doing “living” together. Because church, religion, the bible are a tiny part. Or they should be.
We both say.