That voice is also mine


This morning I have a choice.

I can be mad as hell: with justification. I can dredge the past (working) week and find supporting legitimate reasons why this (work) morning I should carry blame and bitterness. Stuff that shouldn’t have happened did.  Stuff that didn’t happen should have. Right now – early (work) o’clock – there is no one but me to have this conversation with.

And I can be brutal.  I can share my thoughts. I have email addresses, telephone numbers, names and jobspecs. I can choose to spread my (work) discontent with those (work) responsible.

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That was my frame of mind as I fired-up the computer this morning. And where better to come than to my non-work place. This place. Making a point (in the conversation with myself) that tackling the (work) problems at very early (work) o’clock was not my (work) responsibility. That responsibility begins at work o’clock and not before.

M’Lord, I know you will agree that I am right in intending to screw work as it has so royally screwed me this morning. 

But …

Reading the stuff here allowed another voice. A kinder voice. A gentler voice. And I realised something.  That voice is also mine.

It is my voice at work AND not at work. My thoughts are mine at work AND not at work. I am me at work AND not at work. I cannot switch on and switch off me for work AND not work. I can only apply me to work stuff and not work stuff. The me I apply is the same me whatever I am “applying” me to.

So my choice is not whether I am right to be as mad as hell.  My choice is “which me” do I want to let rule me today?  Do I want the bad tempered curmudgeon to rule me and all I meet, all who respect me, all who might even love me … or do I want the me I like to rule me and all … (ditto)?

If I was a devout Christian, I might have prayed and asked forgiveness. I might have sought out some healing verses. And I might have ended up in the same place I am right now. Because I thought about doing that. I thought about going to the courtroom of God and presenting my case. Awaiting his verdict. Living with the guilt of whatever answer I was given. Of having to fall into line and be loving. Of having to release this anger and have a void where love should be. Knowing it is a void where love should be and feeling guilt about that as well.

I did none of that. I chose to be angry. I chose to let that go.  No bible, prayers, God or guilt required.

————————————————————

It is one of the reasons I have stepped back from church, stepped back from a lot of the must and should, and am happy to talk about God Soft Hands Jesus.  Am happy to tell you he is my friend. That he is real to me and invisible to you. That he may – or may not – be the same “god” as documented in the bible.

Because my GSHJ rejoices in who I am. My GSHJ rejoices in who I am becoming.

And who I am becoming is a partner. One who can make decisions – one who always does make decisions – one who always should make decisions. Just less and less without taking my case to the “Courtroom of God”, because just like those on “Judge Judy” the decision is irrelevant: I will always have that emotional certainty:  “But I am right to … (fill in the blanks).”

Someone wrote a piece this morning.

Two hundred and thirty four-words. He was also writing about the Courtroom of God.

“Among many Christian discussions today there is the atmosphere of legalism: One points out the Greek meaning while another suggests the Hebrew and still another indicates the etymology of the Latin. The end result is that fellowship opportunities turn into more or less games such as the tv show of Jeopardy.” Jesus was NOT Perry Mason, T. F. Thompson

Choices.

We all have them. Christian or not. Religious or not. Of faith or not of faith.  My choice is of love (me no less than you).

And today I chose to love me more by NOT holding onto my (justifiable) anger.   I can use these never to be repeated twelve (work) hours (soon to begin) in ANY WAY I choose.  And I choose love. I choose to be kind to me and not be angry. I choose to be gentle and soft and not hard and bitter. I choose – no God and bible and prayer required.

But …

If I get to the same place “with God and the bible” … just as if I get to the same place without God and the bible … why (so often) are neither of those choices good enough for either side?  For a “Christian” (or anyone of faith) … the “saving” is missing and makes me less loved.  And for a “non-believer” … all this man-made brainwashing is evil irrespective of outcomes.

I have a question.

Just whose courtroom is this “courtroom” anyway?

.

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