Not then and not now


I have been looking for an answer.  Computer stuff.  The question doesn’t matter.  The answer does. I found the answer eventually.  A low-tech-retro keyboard is the answer and I now have to find a low-tech-retro keyboard.  And once I do – and once I plug it in – THAT will allow “the magic” to happen.  And that will give me back a computer I don’t have right now.

How often do I chase answers to this God Stuff?

The questions don’t matter.  None are life and death.  Not to my living or dying today.

Just like a well-fed human “toys” with a plate of food … so too my new “God Stuff” questions.  Physically, mentally and emotionally I am “well-fed”.  And much of this God Stuff has become a curiosity just like my “hi-tech-today” computer stuff.  Now the bible becomes a curiosity.  Praying another.  Fellowship too.  And now church of the denominational kind just stale crusts to be pushed to one side.

But when I was starving?

I could not “gorge” – although I wished to (indeed I thought I was gorging).  For then I had only occasional crumbs.  Then I could not “toy” (and never wished to) for then each day was life and death – my life and my death.  Then I was not well-fed inside.  Then my soul craved sustenance.  Then I was slowly starving and my soul distended with hunger.  Then God Stuff was precious.  Then a whisper was enough.  Then a word full filling. Then fellowship exquisite.  Then a single verse worth a whole novel.  Then I read myself to sleep with my god … my bible … my comforter.

Then … ?

There were no questions.

Like a rich man I now look back with fondness.  A sentimental-rose-tinted fondness.  A time I would never now wish to revisit.  But a time now when everything then was bright … alive … real.  Like a rich man now I look around at these verses today.  Now they are more of the same – but not the same – nothing can ever “be the same” – not then and not now.

Then I never knew the questions.  Then I was given so many answers.  Then I became a rich man.  And now I toy with questions.

Yet now – my soul once again craves sustenance. Yet now – not through hunger.  Now the search is for a delicacy.  Now fine dining. Now only a perfection of flavours will do.

My god warns of pride.

Is this pride – or knowing that today and tomorrow I am/will be well-fed physically, emotionally, and mentally?

Is that pride or is that boredom?  Is that living or is that cruising?  And is this how love creeps out …

Silently …

Invisibly …

Unnoticed …

Uninvited …

.

Love is always the answer, now ask your question … “

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It’s been quite a while since I wrote these simple words.

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