Waiting for my husband


I was reading a post this morning – and have read quite a few in the past – of ladies who ponder future husbands in the same sentence as God.  Almost all conclude with something akin to … “God will find me a husband, God hasn’t finished with me yet.”

As a husband, father and grandfather, someone who nurtures a living God within – as just another human being – that troubles me at so many different levels.

“I am saving myself.”

I never met any ladies who were.  I met a lot of ladies who said “no” at a certain point.  I met a very small number who said “yes” too fast.  And I met a lot who were simply themselves … who didn’t know if they would say yes or no (until they did).  But had I met someone who was “saving herself” … ?  I would have been out of there (too fast).

“God will bring me the one.”

That may be true.  But how will you know (until decades later)?  Because I have never found God to want to dictate who I should or shouldn’t like.  And as a father – I only want our daughters to respect who they are and will become.   So if they see something in a person that I don’t like – how do I respect them by insisting they listen to me?

“God hasn’t given up on me yet.”

You, ma’am, are a wonderful person.  You have the confidence to share some of your life in a blog.  You engage with others in comments and conversation.  And yet you are giving up on you (no God required).  You are waiting for God to deliver “Mr Right” like you expect a pizza delivery – heavy on the pepperoni – and within the next thirty minutes please.

Really?

When I was dating I learned rejection.  I learned fear.  I learned I was looking in the wrong places.  I learned hunting for a partner is a solo activity.  Which keeps me from relaxing.  Keeps me from being myself.  Keeps me from people who are relaxing, being themselves, having fun, connecting, liking, wanting to know more, having relationships  – based not on need – but on “no need at all”.

Which is where I found my partner.

With hindsight God was there.  But he was there with all the others that I kept moving on from (and who moved on from me) – no God required.  My God delights in who I am and I who I become.  My God delights in this delightful lady being the lady she is and will become.  My God delights in letting us find out if we are the delightful couple we think we might be.

But had this delightful lady brought her God along to judge me … I would have been out of there in a flash.  Had I brought my God along to judge her … ditto.

I was not “all I am” on that first date.  Nor was this delightful lady.  The world, my God, and my lady all prefer me to grow, to learn, to become, to keep becoming, to keep growing, and to allow that in others – no matter who they are.  I know I want that of my Miss Right.

And that is why “Mr Right” is not out there.

Mr Right – like you – will keep changing and keep moving.  Until he connects with someone who is not his “Miss Right” but someone whose imperfections make (and keep on making) a perfectly delightful fit with his.

And then you will probably want to keep moving together.

I did.

And thirty-three years later (and more “fights” than either of us wanted) … that is when we agree that we might have met “Mr or Miss Right” that first night.  And then one of us does something – and neither of us agree (again).

.

 

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14 thoughts on “Waiting for my husband

  1. Very insightful Paul. This is a common thing with Christian women, expecting an absolutely perfect partner who will tick all the boxes from the get go. But as you mentioned, I found that box to be an ever evolving one as time goes on so it would be more wise for people to not be as rigid and be relaxed, to just be and let the relationship develop without expecting or demanding too much off the bat.

    One of my friends recently had a crush on a very Christian, Christian girl whose rigid approach to courtship and overthinking his advances totally put him off. And perhaps “advances” is not the right word, perhaps I can say his interest in her was dashed because she didn’t allow him or her to just “be” in the space of learning each other. He almost had to be an exact replica of Jesus, someone who always does the right thing all of the time – which is not true for any of us, and yet that expectation can be such a heavy burden in relationships. I’ve decided even with MY lady, I want to be me, ALL of the time – warts and all. She should see me being the upright Christian man, but also the guy who laughs at naughty jokes or likes to fart or curses on occasion. We are human after all, and especially with a lot of Christian worldviews there exists this pretense that we are not in fact human, that we are not all fallible and that we are not in desperate need of redemption.

    I almost think those catch phrase like “God will provide a man” is a type of defensive mechanism that is put up to guard against getting too caught up in the other person .

    • Josh – more and more that phrase: “human first religion second” makes more and more sense.

      And thank you for using the “fart” word.

      I saw a collection of tweets on facebook describing relationships. One caught my eye: the ability to hear someone evacuating their bowels yet still find them sexually attractive! 🙂

      • “the ability to hear someone evacuating their bowels yet still find them sexually attractive!” Yep, that’s the kind of love relationship I want – totally my thing 😀

  2. I’ve spent the last few days discussing the Purity Culture’s impact on the church – books like Joshua Harris’ “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” gave students a blueprint for Biblical Courtship, and taught them about being damaged goods, forming soul ties, and giving pieces of their hearts away. These girls in the church were taught gender role expectations – boys initiate relationships and girls respond. Fathers safeguard their daughter’s chastity and must approve of their potential spouse. They should never date anybody they wouldn’t marry. They’re simply obeying the teachings that the men in their churches gave them as to how to live biblically in an unbiblical world. Don’t blame them – blame those who are silent and allow these teachings to be taught in their churches unchallenged and unquestioned.

    • Jamie, thank you. There is no blame intended in this post. Simply a request and an observation.

      “These girls in the church were taught gender role expectations – ” And the boys were not? 🙂

      My god seems to be on the side of love. And that (I may be wrong) seems to be include asking questions, checking teaching against love, questioning whether kindness is for all or for some.

      Which is why I am not sure if those who are silent are to blame either. I think blame is unkind.

      🙂

      • In every church I’ve attended, the girls always outnumbered the boys and there were some churches where there were no boys to hear those messages. Christianity its not a religion made up of 50/50 male to female ratio – our numbers show us that women are the majority and that there’s not enough men for each and every one of them … some will always be left over.
        As a devil’s advocate – I love a good question that gets me thinking.

        • Hi Jamie – one small thought from your comment above: I have never found “being in church” necessary to “know about church” and its teachings. Particularly stuff like this this. Home life, social media, youngsters peer groups, schools … all of “that” shares this kind of stuff even more successfully than church itself.

  3. Funny you write about this. My sister and I were just talking about how the contemporary Christian music when we were teens had songs sung by women like, “Wait For Me” and “Someday”, all talking about falling in love some time in the future and ‘saving themselves’ for their future husbands. This was a real thing! Books I read as a teenage girl talking about sexual ‘purity’ and things like that, also talked about how boys/men were visual and how important it was to be mindful of this not only now, but after you were married. Men have ‘needs’.

    I’ve said this before, and I will say it again, how many men were being schooled about meeting a grown woman’s ‘needs’ when they were teenagers? I mean, the whole thing is crazy, and just sets up so many people for disappointment and skewed expectations.

    Anyway, I do believe God is involved, and He does bring people together, whether it be marriage, friendships, bloggers :), etc. I guess I’m too much of a mystic or romantic to give up that belief. I can see though where the idea would be either frightening or off-putting, if you were to meet someone who is checking you out, or checking off their list, based on what they believed God wanted them to look for in a person. No one wants to be judged like that, and ultimately, no one passes a test like that.

    • Women have “needs”? Who would have thought! 🙂

      Like all the things I think kindness is the missing ingredient, and more and more kindness is my litmus test of unconditional love. This one seems to exclude kindness. Men have needs – which means being hungry for food and sex is of equal importance? Women have needs (or possibly not) – but (if they have) needs which are less – and subservient to – men. For me, that takes God out of the equation and puts human “needs” first. And makes this teaching of and in this world.

      I believe God is involved. Just not how this teaching teaches. 🙂

  4. Great insight Paul. 🖒 I think most people feel ‘the one’ is sitting on God’s desk in a little box just waiting to be mailed out. 😁 And some would be hard pressed to believe that your free will decides whom you end up with. Interesting perspective.

    • Thank you TS. What a glorious image you write!

      I often think we keep God in a little box – a cute kind of God – a God we keep safe – a God we take out and put back. Like all relationships we either grow together or we don’t. I have never found little boxes to allow much growth.

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