My Locus of Control
To determine the Locus of Control for me: was to unlock my Manhood.
This lifelong war seems to have fought itself upon Eden’s Fields.
The Snake, the Apple, the Key, and the Cross-have all stood within me.
Yet, until I determined that it was I myself who held the Key, then it was I myself which hung upon that tree. I myself who wished to lie dead in that unknown tomb.
I am not Christ, but in the fear and loathing of myself l sought to offer that same Self as sacrifice to drive out the fear and doubt.
O, Eden’s Fields. It was there that l prayed I would awaken with the dawn to become the Adam. The first One on Earth.
And so remove all future pain for men who are Efto’men, and women who are Emto’fem ( Male to Female Transsexuals) and not as they seem to be.
For I, Efto’man, would be the model for all future men, as would Emto’fem, Eve model all future women.
All was and is in vain once the Serpent came to call with granny’s Smith and all the rest to deprive me of my dream.
This very part of me is mine to redeem and cannot be foisted upon the Fields of Eden nor upon any other shore but mine.
With God’s help, I have the Locus of Control and for me alone and with Her help is to redeem this man in me and to let Him walk tall upon this Earth.
Mine is the Key, I am the door, into the door of my heart, I have placed the key, and now I have walked out into the streets of this World in my best suit.
“I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless, I live yet it is not I that live but Christ who lives within me!” So, the triumphant Scripture reads.
Yet, if this depressed mind of mine is alive, pray what is it to die? For surely, I am here too! Manhood does not banish the ills.
Manhood does not banish the ills but rather gathers in all the chills that Life has to offer.
I am the same as ever I was, yet I am different.
I place different importance upon the act of attaining work. For with all due respect: – Work has become a sign of Manhood for me.
It is a sign to me that I am a man that I have woman for Wife.
She is Emto’fem.
Efto and Emto: We live(ed) together in Darling’s Hurst and begin to mark our place in our New World.
Yet still I have not gained my locus of control since the same old daemons batter me the same old distance around the Town. I am not changed simply freed and gaining honesty.
God has become for me the God of everywhere as anywhere and everywhere I seek Him. She is in the wind and the shower which cleanses me. Even within the stones of the Sacred Heart Church is He.
Efto and Emto, we married ourselves at the Chapel Wayside, before all our friends, most importantly, it was God who held our hands there and placed the rings upon our fingers there. God in me and God in Jessica and God in everyone there!!
In taking up the reigns of my life I have learned to set God free from the mouths of Men & Women who would imprison me in the cage of my own conscience.
It is not I who live but Christ who lives within me!
Andrew James Blair
Monday 4 October 1999.
Edited Thursday 3rd August 2000.
Edited Sunday 12 August 2018
Read here at Polare for my original story https://gendercentre.org.au/polare-magazines/download-polare-archives?download=141:polare-edition-36&start=75
- Efto’men, Female to Male Transsexuals
- Emto’fem Male to Female Transsexuals
- My adaptation of FTM and MTF
Go to – From My Locus of Control