My Locus of Control
To determine the Locus of Control for me: was to unlock my Manhood.
This lifelong war seems to have fought itself upon Eden’s Fields.
The Snake, the Apple, the Key, and the Cross-have all stood within me.
Yet, until I determined that it was I myself who held the Key, then it was I myself which hung upon that tree. I myself who wished to lie dead in that unknown tomb.
I am not Christ, but in the fear and loathing of myself l sought to offer that same Self as sacrifice to drive out the fear and doubt.
O, Eden’s Fields. It was there that l prayed I would awaken with the dawn to become the Adam. The first One on Earth.
And so remove all future pain for men who are Efto’men, and women who are Emto’fem ( Male to Female Transsexuals) and not as they seem to be.
For I, Efto’man, would be the model for all future men, as would Emto’fem, Eve model all future women.
All was and is in vain once the Serpent came to call with granny’s Smith and all the rest to deprive me of my dream.
This very part of me is mine to redeem and cannot be foisted upon the Fields of Eden nor upon any other shore but mine.
With God’s help, I have the Locus of Control and for me alone and with Her help is to redeem this man in me and to let Him walk tall upon this Earth.
Mine is the Key, I am the door, into the door of my heart, I have placed the key, and now I have walked out into the streets of this World in my best suit.
“I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless, I live yet it is not I that live but Christ who lives within me!” So, the triumphant Scripture reads.
Yet, if this depressed mind of mine is alive, pray what is it to die? For surely, I am here too! Manhood does not banish the ills.
Manhood does not banish the ills but rather gathers in all the chills that Life has to offer.
I am the same as ever I was, yet I am different.
I place different importance upon the act of attaining work. For with all due respect: – Work has become a sign of Manhood for me.
It is a sign to me that I am a man that I have woman for Wife.
She is Emto’fem.
Efto and Emto: We live(ed) together in Darling’s Hurst and begin to mark our place in our New World.
Yet still I have not gained my locus of control since the same old daemons batter me the same old distance around the Town. I am not changed simply freed and gaining honesty.
God has become for me the God of everywhere as anywhere and everywhere I seek Him. She is in the wind and the shower which cleanses me. Even within the stones of the Sacred Heart Church is He.
Efto and Emto, we married ourselves at the Chapel Wayside, before all our friends, most importantly, it was God who held our hands there and placed the rings upon our fingers there. God in me and God in Jessica and God in everyone there!!
In taking up the reigns of my life I have learned to set God free from the mouths of Men & Women who would imprison me in the cage of my own conscience.
It is not I who live but Christ who lives within me!
Andrew James Blair
Monday 4 October 1999.
Edited Thursday 3rd August 2000.
Edited Sunday 12 August 2018
Read here at Polare for my original story https://gendercentre.org.au/polare-magazines/download-polare-archives?download=141:polare-edition-36&start=75
- Efto’men, Female to Male Transsexuals
- Emto’fem Male to Female Transsexuals
- My adaptation of FTM and MTF
Go to – From My Locus of Control
Beautiful! Thank you ((hugs))
Thank you, I wasn’t sure whether to , considering. (You did read the pdf link )On 26th my Pastor has invited me to testify of my journey from Female to Male and the role of the Church and of my relatioship with God during the time. My Gospel is John 11.
So far we have heard strories from some young ladies about to be married, next ,month to each other and a Tongan guy last Sunday. He was very interesting and delivered his witmess in the form of a sermon.
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Thank you Andrew – I hand’t clicked the link. And glad you asked – the articles make this “real”. And the almost two decades since a stark reminder of how much I take for granted now (I am guessing) I would not have done 18 years ago.
Yet the cultural acceptance (or not) is so much less than the personal acceptance or not. The description by Michael, complete with pictures, made this “real”. The article by Elizabeth and the reality of violence, the article by Sarah (“Bullshit knows no bounds”), and the advice by Gianna … provide a snapshot of context in which your words find new meaning.
I remember “riding a bus” to school with schoolmates. And we had jeered through the window at “a blackie”. And having congratulated ourselves (as gangs do) on showing this innocent what was what, a “blacky” in our group piped up and mentioned he was the same colour. And our response? Not a shred of guilt or awareness – just another round of laughter because he was one of us – a friend – he was “okay” because we had accepted him. The sad thing I think today is that whilst we have all been taught not to think aloud, much of that unspoken “thinking” continues: “Bullshit knows no bounds.”
I know I am not fully “cured” nor ever will be. Seeing difference in some things runs deep, being blind to difference in other things the same. It is what I do with the seeing or blindness that matters. My story – your story … anybody’s story … I think they are ALL about the “doing” with the seeing and blindness.
Very pleased you have read “me”. There are many of my autobiographies floating about the web and they differ because of the readership. The ones I wrote during my formation as a Religious had to be of the kind politically suited to the event. As yet, I do not know what I shall say to my peers at Church in two weeks. I chose the Lazarus theme seeing his resurrection as my walking out of the darkness of fear into- my God loves me as I am, God accepts and supports the Apologetics I wrote disambiguating the Scriptures for the greater Rainbow community, the divorced and remarried. The love of God for all peoples and bugger the rest, including that Bishop who thought he had me scared, can I say that?
Please do! 🙂
(and your choice of chapter is the reason for today’s post – thank you!)
And a(nother) thought: it remains a puzzle to me how, when “being saved” is to be “born again” … is to become a new person … is to be indwelt … all of that imagery …
If God really did create me “perfect” – what’s that all about? And if he didn’t – then why all the fuss with “rebirth” of those things we don’t like?
Much as meat eaters dislike ”knowing” all the carnage leading up to that “perfect Sunday roast” joint in the supermarket chiller cabinet … So too , it seems to me, “real” rebirth, “real” transition, “real alternatives” whose “Godly endorsement” (or withholding) is (really) just cultural evolution – so both “in AND of this world”.
If we really are to look in the mirror and see “God within” – then how come we “good Christians” embrace only the supermarket-chiller and not the abattoir?
“And a(nother) thought: it remains a puzzle to me how, when “being saved” is to be “born again” … is to become a new person … is to be indwelt … all of that imagery …”
Thinking about this sentence, I am now remembering the context of ” born Again”, this was the Non Conformist church speak for coming to believe in Jesus and taking onboard his life and teachings. I was too young to have encountered it before I left Britain, especially since we were Church of England at the time.
Here I was sent to the Baptist Church because the Anglicans only had services there every 5 weeks. The Baptists brainwashed me to embrace their theology( 13-14yo) and got me (re) baptised after I had walked down the aisle at camp to give my life to Christ.( Because you were scared stiff of going to hell).
The reborn aspect arises from of Nicodemus’ encounter with Jesus-being born again, entering into the womb for the 2nd time. Spirit blows where she will – the arbitrary nature of redemption.
Could Jesus perhaps have said that differently except he was speaking to 1st C Jews for whom his words may have had a different meaning.
Most certainly we cannot at one and the same time be pronounced Good, accepted for who we are and also be declared dirty laundry in need of a baptism into the suds of redemption.
The entire “redemption” theology is still up for grabs regarding the various explanations given for the relationship between the sinner redeemed and the other paying the penalty for those sins – according to Stephen D morrison there are 7 theories of the Atonement.
Paul speaks of “being a new creation” so is our quizzing of the Bible mainly so that we, as followers of the way, can wade our way through the social norms over 2000 years old? For relevancy,
What we mean is in coming to a personal belief system regarding our relationship with Jesus is actually more like a change of heart and mind that doesn’t really need anyone to die to achieve.
Muslims to not believe in vicarious atonement because they believe in bearing responsibility for their sins themselves, (They do not believe in original sin)praying and confessing to God is a private thing and the weighing up of the books ,after death,given to the person when making account to God determines our eternal home.
So what does christ die for other than to replace the Jewish sacrificial system with a one off one size fits all.?
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And that final question has been one I have been circling for some time without stating the words. In my case “stating the words” still wrapped up in deeply embedded “superstition” of teaching as taught: “bad things happen”.
Thank you. You make me safe.
I am very happy to know that I make you safe – still working on it in me, it is different if one is one’s self.
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