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What is a hard question other than one which makes me uncomfortable in the asking OR the answering?

Perhaps the question is never hard.

Perhaps it is my heart that is hard.  Perhaps not asking the question is about me and not the question.

We have just signed up with a builder to whom we will give a small fortune in return for a new ground floor in our home.  The decision-making has been giving me sleepless nights.

There are tradespeople who live life free of the trail of tears behind them.  Tears of those who have parted with hard-earned money to One who does half-a-job (or less)  but for all the money.

We met such a person – we gave him our hard-earned money.  We then paid more money for that to be ripped-out and done properly. We got none of our “hard-earned money” back.  That makes it personal.  Asking the “hard questions” in that circumstance is never a problem – the bastard!

It is asking the hard questions when there is something harder to lose.  Usually my perception of my self-worth and my self-esteem.  That is priceless and precious.  That is part of my soul.

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So I have learned in the past few days that I protect my perceived self by NOT asking “hard questions” when I think I MAY have to reset MY perceived self.

Then it gets complicated.

Gets personal.  Gets into insecurities and fear and all that stuff I thought I was leaving behind.  Love is always the answer now what’s your question?  Rolls of the tongue easily – but the reality … ?

Fear is the default now what’s your paranoia?

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It was my brother who made me realise that.

Who offered not judgement but the hard questions I was afraid to ask.  And the logic was simple: If I ask the hard questions and the answers are uncomfortable … I have my answer.  And if I ask the hard questions and the answers are comforting … I have my answer.

Because the real “hard question” is not the ones I ask.  The real question is “Can I trust you?” … the real fear is “Will I be a victim?” … the real need is “Will I be safe?”

And the complication in getting THAT answer is me showing weakness … me needing to feel safe … me not wanting to be a victim … me wanting to trust you.

But I am showing you “me” when I ask my questions – and if you’re One who will strip me bare – then I can’t let you think I am weak – so I can’t ask – and I will never know.

So I will never feel safe.

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My brother has no such qualms.  He was given information and facts.  No emotion.  No perceived self.  No fear.

So I took a deep breath and asked the hard questions – and I liked the answers.  And I asked some “harder” questions – and understood so much more.

I offered my fear and was given safety.  And what I learned was this –

If the answers had been judgemental – of One offended I even needed to ask … then I would not have been given safety – I would have been given fear.  So we would have said “No thank you” and moved on – and my perceived-self would have grown a little in the moving-on.

And if the answers were of understanding – of an invitation for me to know more – of a desire that I feel safe … then saying “Yes please” is easy and my perceived-self grows a little.

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THAT’S what God Soft Hands Jesus offers me.

And THAT’s what some call “weakness”.  What some call “make believe” – a con-trick – usually perpetrated on oneself or in cahoots with this entity called “religion”.

Which is evidence of (if nothing else) there being NO hard questions but only MY fear of MY perceived-self.

And what is my perceived-self?

I am.  Love without condition.  No fear.  All that stuff so easy to say and write.

And what is my perceived-self after this little “situation”?

I am.  Love without condition.  No fear.  All that stuff so easy to say and write.  IF I really believe under ALL circumstances and with ALL people.

THEN I am safe.

Like I am with GSHJ.

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