Tea and toast at 3.00am


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Times are most definitely not normal and the speed things are moving is unnerving.

Mum was awake and thinking (and now is not).  I was asleep and not thinking (and now I am).  But as we had tea and toast at 3.00am … mulled over why we were awake in the middle of the night … I found my thoughts going to the hard choices.

Like how we would be isolated from each other if a lock-down happens and is enforced.  How if the worst happened and one of us was very ill and/or died we would be isolated from each other at the worst possible time.  And then the “afterwards” … would I want to live here alone – would mum want to live here alone?  Or would we want to live here cut-off from each of you if any of you were ill (or worse) – seeing you struggle and not be able to be by your side? 
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Because in a matter of days – a week or two – we might have that choice taken from us.  Those in Europe already in lock-down are living that “no choice” choice.  Already dying alone … grieving alone … facing stuff we-would-never-face-alone on their own.

But here today and because everything is “normal”, the thought of acting on such hard thoughts is “silly” and “unnecessary” … Thinking of actually living together before a lock-down (might or might not happen) is uncomfortable and complicated.  We each grow to become independent and self-sufficient. 

My own insides shiver at the thought of acting and having you (any of you) moving in with us (or we with you).  There are so many reasons not to.

Yet if we continue as we are now and then find we cannot be together but want to be – need to be – is that really what I or you will want then?  I read that nurses in Europe find it eerie so many real people are dying alone in hospital.  Yet in less than a couple of weeks that might be the reality here as well.  And by then there would be no other choice. 

So these words are not to scare or bring doom and gloom – nor do they carry any advice or answers.  For me it is simply recognition of how small a window of opportunity we all have to think about some of these hard choices (or choose not to think) before we find the choice is made for us.  And with all these thoughts come a zillion different ones – all crowding in and demanding to be heard.

Makes worrying about enough toilet-roll and pasta what it really is – a self-centred focus on “stuff”.

But maybe sharing the hard thoughts – while we still have the choice – is better than facing alone the hard realities that are coming.

And then another zillion conflicting thoughts come crashing in!  Because it’s now 6.00am and another day has dawned.

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So I am curious whether we can – and will – find the choices that work for each of us, or discover later that being “silly” and thinking/doing nothing took those choices from us.  Either way these words are of love because that’s all I know – I know that I love you all every day more and more.

Toast anyone … ?

Big hugs –

Dad
xxx

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