What’s that bit in my brain glowing really red

Facebook Shielding Group extract again … 

Thought we were going to talk about sin?

We are!

Let’s go then … 


Health warning again: personal thoughts from my personal circumstances.  If the words don’t work for your thoughts or circumstances, please keep scrolling.  Thank you.
I am learning that freedom is not “out there”. Freedom is “in here”.  Freedom is what my mind says freedom is.
Fancy a meander … 😊
2 weeks ago I was a prisoner.  Now I’m not.  Except NOTHING “external” has changed: daily routine SAME – living “together but apart” SAME – six feet apart SAME – washing and sanitising … no touching … no cuddles … no shopping … no going anywhere other than a daily dogwalk … all the SAME!  And ALL “external”.  But something changed in my head – something “internal”.
(pulls back top of skull for a better look)
Along with so many, my official 12 weeks became an official 14–15.  Inside my head that became probable “months” – enough months for a “year” – maybe more than one year.  All that “external” stuff dragging me down until a vaccine allows me to change it.  All this NOT being with people and EVERYTHING that stops me doing for longer and longer … ?
Hang on a minute – what’s that bit in my brain glowing really red and ugly … ?
MY “prison sentence” isn’t about MY “good behaviour” – MY freedom isn’t within MY control – I have no say in how long I remain a prisoner – I have no control over my freedom – I am a prisoner!  Look at ME – look at THEM: my neighbours … the tv screen … facebook – insta – twitter – whatsapp – tiktok (whatever that is) …  Everyone is breaking the rules – everyone is causing a second spike – everyone is making MY prison sentence ever longer!
WOW! That red and ugly bit of brain is growing and growing!! 
Except … now I can see inside my brain more clearly – ALL of THAT is “internal” – that is ME doing that to ME.  And I can’t see any “off-switch” for thinking anywhere in MY head.  So not only am I prisoner of the ”external” – I am a prisoner of my “internal” as well.  I have no control over anything – not the Boris Boxes – the “priority” home deliveries (with all the missing bits I never get and the prices that keep going up)!
WOW! Paul, that ugly red thing is feeding on itself and growing by the minute!  Faster even that this virus spreads!  Is that healthy do you think?
And then I remembered (again) that I have no off-switch for my “thinking” – but I do HAVE absolute control in what my thinking does AND where it goes.  So I began to wonder – I CHOSE to think …  How I could change my “external”.
So many crazy imaginary ideas … went from impossible to maybe … from maybe to no-way – went around in circles here and there – but everything was spiralling UPWARDS not down.  NOTHING “external” had (still hasn’t) changed – but something massive was changing INTERNALLY …
These “crazy ideas” removed EVERYTHING that made me a prisoner.  Allowed me to see ALL the same stuff I am STILL seeing: the rule breaking … the bitterness … the “it’s not fair” … the “what about me” … the “ugly red stuff” in my brain …  All the “EXTERNAL” stuff still there – that I still can’t do for months maybe years ahead …  ALL of that is unchanged with one BIG exception …
My “ugly red bit” has shrunk totally.  As my thinking soared, the ugly bit shrank.  As possibilities formed, the red bit disappeared.  And something else.
As these crazy ideas became “ideas” with options and price tags, those around were caught up in the possibilities as well.  My excitement was infectious to those I love and who love me.  That red ugly bit?  It whispers to be free again.  But it gives me nothing.  Whereas this building excitement?  It gives more than it takes!  Because those around me are also curious to see my “Portable Shield”.  They are helping so much: financial help – getting stuff I can’t – giving tons of moral-emotional support – sharing this excitement to see it (ME!) in action when it all arrives …
Yet today – this morning – right now?  Nothing “external” has changed and yet I’m already free.  I am NOT a prisoner.  All that rule breaking … the social media anger and blame … the helplessness … ?  That’s not out THERE – that’s in HERE.  In my brain – my mind – my thinking.  This “Portable Shield” might work – might change my “externals”.  Or might not.  But THAT doesn’t matter anymore.
What matters is that I’m free right now (and every day) if I choose.
Cup of tea anyone?😊

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