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You know I have come and gone my whole life.  Born into you – did “you” because children do what their parents say to do.  Went the commitment route because that’s what was expected – and it was good fun.  Church of England.  Could have been any church.  But you and church were one and the same.  You and the bible were one and the same.

But “bible study” wasn’t – looking back.

Those daily notes and reading. That wasn’t “you”.  That was mum and dad and church and what “we” do.  Never thought about that.  Bible study wasn’t you.

But now I do think of it …

All that learning verses off by heart – learning all the books in the bible in that song – all that context of the time and the place and the politics – all that interpretation – all that “seeing you” better … That wasn’t “you” –

That was “us”.

Maybe that’s why I have come and gone my whole life.  I was taught that you and bible study are the same. But you’re not.  The study is us.  Always us.  Only us.

All that learning verses and bible references.  Making you “evidence” by making the bible “evidence”.  And the better “evidence” I can find then the better “Christian” I am.  And the best “evidence” … ?  Not having to look at the bible at all.  Knowing just the right verses and references!  That gets respect man!  That is a “mature Christian”.  That is a “good Christian”. 

And all this deeds and faith … ?

Who needs faith anymore?  We were taught all the “evidence” we need.  So we need to do “stuff”.  And the more stuff I do and the more verses I know – then the better Christian I am.  

Is that really “you”?

Isn’t that us?  Us who have made the narrow gate this huge illuminated “evidence gate”.  The winding path a great big twenty-lane “proven motorway”.

With the odd side-effect along the way … .

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Being scared to be who we are. 

Scared to be I am.

Is that why I always felt like I was playing a part?  Acting out my lines?  Lines I learned from my bible study – deeds I learned from fitting-in – never daring to question the “evidence” we all studied and learned. 

I missed who I am because I was taught that who I am is never enough.  Not without God.  I need God.  Because without God I am nothing.  And where do I find God?  In bible study and deeds.

Pure cheese?

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Might that not be what this “Lost World” sees.

Not the irritating bible-bashing truth I brought – but the absence of real.  Not the God within – but the void within.  Not the smiling faces – but the smiling masks.  Actors speaking lines of “love and salvation” – with a script that is only skin-deep.

Maybe the lost world knows you through NOT being burdened with sacrifice and blood and guilt and shame and sin.  By NOT being distracted with “is this the right verse”, and “what verse counters that objection”.  All this distraction of “study” and how qualified or not I am.  

This illusion that to know the bible is to know you.

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Isn’t that us and not you?

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Because if Love is what this AND you are all about … if Love is REALLY the greatest of … if Love is TRULY without condition … if Love is to BE … is to BECOME I Am … is where WE meet without needing to “meet” …

Doesn’t focusing on bible study, because that is “where you are” simply lead us from you, rather than to you?

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A child can’t read yet loves – a lover has no time for reading yet loves – a new parent messes with their own head when they google read rather than let love guide –

And I have become bible-blind without dismissing a single word – the bible no longer my tether to you – the bible no longer my lifeboat – my life-vest.  The bible is my cuttings of you – someone else’s images of you – their hints of you – a “smoke and mirrors” of you.

Which is why bible study cannot make me I am.

I become I am.  I become me.  I become Love.  Love without all the stuff.  Love that is not academic.  Love that is not deeds.  Love that is not faith.  Love that is not evidence.  Love that is not defined.  Love that is not constrained.  Love that is not weak.  Love that is not because …

Love is always.  Love is.

I am enough.  Always.

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