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Shielding Group again.

And as I copied and pasted the words here, it seems to me that we do a lot of praying for stuff we already have.   We are forgiven.  We are looked after.  We do each have many many talents.  We are each alive.  We are breathing.  We do have the sun on our faces, the wind in our hair (!!).  And yet we drop to our knees usually without much recognition of that.  Always the prayer: “More please in Jesus name, amen.”

This facebook group keeps running parallels in my mind – how some perceive their shielding as a sacrifice “we” are making, that “we” should be recognised and rewarded for.  How others live in fear of anything getting into their personal safe space.  How so many apologise for going outside of their own front door for a gentle necessary walk away from others – yet always preface their words of joy with “please don’t judge me”.  And how so many of “us” do judge – those who are having a bbq, those who walk too close together, who go to the beach in far too many numbers, who are selfish, who don’t understand, who have it easy,  and who shouldn’t because the rules say …

And “church” is desperate to re-open for “in-person worship” (yeuchh!!) so “we” can all gather together (and not do any of that again) … ?

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4.00am. Still dark. Sound of an occasional car quietly taking someone to wherever they are going to (or coming from). That bird already busy sharing today’s news. I wonder if all the other birds tire of that repeated headline. Over and over again. The dawn chorus being called to prayer. And my phone telling me the backup failed. WhatsApp. Do I want to try again? Yes please. Always polite! 😂😂😂

Now “preparing” from one to one hundred percent … what else is there to do at 4.06am other than go for a pee and then watch the percentage count up to one hundred?

And then up to The Cloud. Kilobytes turn into into Megabytes and heading towards the 1.58 Gigabytes of data I have in “chats” on the little miracle we call “my phone”. Now used for anything other than telephone calls. Now it’s video calls, pictures, selfies, little video clips, texts and emails, internet and social media, online shopping and getting stuff I can’t live without. And that 1.58gb excludes videos. I see my backup option doesn’t backup those gorgeous silly videos.

Ninety percent … and then nothing. The backup is done.

So how much would it be with videos I wonder … “Free up 9.54gb on your handset … “ 8gb of silly videos. All those moments of family life we share every day. All for a few moments of shared giggles, shared awe, shared love. And THAT was WITH seeing AND being with each other ALL the time.

My bit of the cloud isn’t big enough to take all of those shared moments and at 4.27am it’s too much hassle to figure out how.

This new helmet – on the way and arriving Thursday/Friday (if the delivery peeps are working properly) – is much more fun to think about. My own portable shield. Not just hugs this time.

Not “just hugs”, Paul? Not “just” that “hug” still connecting you, healing you, making you whole – that “not just a hug” is not enough?

No it’s not. I want more.

I want to go into a newsagent and buy a paper. I want to get on a bus and go somewhere. I want to stand in the queuing system for an hour AND get the groceries. I want to go to the chemists to pick-up MY repeat. I want to go and stand on our daughter’s driveway. I want my world to grow. To become as big and as free and as complicated and as full of people as it used to be – as it is becoming again for everyone else. I want to,stop bitching to myself about whether “they” are breaking the “rules” and making “my shielding” ever longer and more intolerable. I don’t want this to be about “them and” us any more.

I want to continue shielding AND not catch this virus. To have my big world back AND be shielded until a vaccine is the answer. To live with shielding rather than NOT live because of shielding. Just like I live WITH underlying conditions. Have lived – do live – WITH “conditions” every day. Just like they rarely stop me from “living”. Just like “shielding” can’t – will not – must not – stop me from “living” any more. Because I won’t let it.

Mrs Paul keeps telling me not to get my hopes up. That this helmet might not be the answer. I tell her that I know. But if this helmet isn’t then something else will be. That I will find how to live WITH shielding. Just as we all find how to live with whatever we’ve “got” (or not got).

4.45am. Tonight was cool! Six solid hours of sleep. The dawn chorus growing louder. Still no planes heading to Heathrow. Still way less cars heading to work. After a glorious weekend of cuddles … “that cuddle” again (and again and again) … a lovely day in the garden … just me and Mrs Paul chilling together … Today it’s back to work. From home again.

Just as I have worked from home for years. Just like so many are doing now. Except I have an office, desk, proper office phone and computer. Just realised I live WITH working from home. Just like I am going to live WITH shielding so I can live again.

It’s not a biggie.

I’ve done THAT with everything life brings me – brings all of us – every day and every week. It’s what we ALL do every day of every week. We adapt. I adapt. And I/we still feel crap-great-winner-loser. Have days where l have all the answers – days where I don’t. But always “adapting” and carrying on. I am brilliant at getting through every day whatever it brings! And soon it will bring me this helmet to play with – to see if it IS the answer!

5.13am. Soon be time to rise and shine … make a cuppa … let the dog out (remember its bin-day today – they need to be out by 7.00 – recycle and green this week) … go and wake Mrs Paul … leave her mug of tea by her bedroom door … get today started …

And just two/three short days until “it” arrives!! 😎😎😎

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