On apologising for not posting-posts

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I used to worry about not posting-posts every day.   Each morning I would be here keyboarding my way to 500-750 words.  Each day editing and proofing.   Each day adding just the right pics and colours.  I had an audience.  I had likes to get and numbers to keep up.  I was a blogger and bloggers blog!  Away for a holiday?  Do the post with the “Gone Fishing” pic (and then usually find myself adding holiday posts from whatever beach we were on).

A few times I was sad that the whisper in my head and heart (rather than the usual encouraging enlightenment) was “STOP!”  Are you sure GSHJ?  Stop.

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And each time I found my enthusiasm for MY numbers and MY likes had become the driver.  That GSHJ wasn’t.  Not really.  Because the whisper in my head and heart was now unheard: I run this blog and I write these posts and I am the wordmaster.

“STOP!” is your best friend telling you “Get grounded again … be you again … please.”

Yet I was taught for so long – and even now – to not be myself.  That numbers and likes (in all things) DO matter.  Because THAT is evidence of ME being a good person – a caring person – a contributing person – a loving person – a fitting-in person.

At least I think that’s what it all means.  Because we are each taught by osmosis and culture – by living – as well as by lessons and words.

And – just like “dying churches” – no one wants to put their heart and soul into being “that”: number-less and like-less.  We each want the MEGA-CHURCH numbers.  We each remember the number of feeding the FIVE THOUSAND.  The HORDES of people who followed Jesus.  The CLAMOURING for his words.  His presence.  His noticing of “me”.  We still “know” Jesus is alive today – TWO THOUSAND whole YEARS after his popping back to heaven.

We remember the numbers – we are driven by numbers – no matter what we each say aloud. 

And my numbers have plummeted.

It coincided with challenging the bible and the “correct” scriptural messages that circulate.

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But see – I am attributing my “numbers” not to me but to “you”.  And – along with that – I am dismissing those who are here.  

And – coming back to that whisper in my head and heart – to again being grounded – to again being invited to stay being me … I write to change me and NO ONE else.

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I can only change me.  No one can change me other than me.

And as those “changes” have crested and dipped and plateaued so has frequency of my writing and posting.

Why apologise?

And the truth … ?  I have no “need” to maintain-increase my numbers.  I am NOT a “dying/growing ministry”.  I am me.

I am.

And MY bible-blindess brings ME ever closer to GSHJ … MY growing lack of “need” to read the bible … to “explain” the bible … to make the bible “ok” … all that freedom brings ME closer to MY God.

And THAT is not for everyone.  Nor should it be (or “need” to be).  Because this is my journey and no one else’s.

But I like where I am journeying …

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I see perfection in Love that is absent of all the conditions “we” lay upon Love – both  religious or secular.  Love that is not just for those who are saved – not just for a particular belief-system or judged “appropriate-lifestyle” – not found only in study of the bible – not found just in regular worship and praise – not found in much of the “correct doing” of the bible (as taught by those qualified in God) …

But Love that is found in becoming Love itself.

In becoming I Am.

That works for me.

And with my journeying, all this “numbers stuff” – like so much else – is no longer a need.  Posting regularly (or not) isn’t relevant.  “Growing a blog ministry” is for others who journey their own way with their own whispers.

And THAT release from my “should and must” is liberating – not just in these words – but in living every day – in every moment.

THAT is as Love should be – free of should and must.  For THAT is Love: free of condition.

And that is (for me) I Am.

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