Help me

How often have I heard those two words in my life?  But prefixed with “Don’t just stand there”.  And the tone of voice that goes with it.  That dismissive angry expectant tone.

And now put it all together …

“Don’t just stand there … HELP ME!”

I wonder why such opposites are regarded as justified (complete with angry righteous indignation).  Why telling me that my inability to see when help is needed goes hand in in hand with “inviting me” to give of my immediate time and energy (to the same person telling me I am not up to the mark).

“Don’t just stand there … HELP ME!”

How many times have I stepped in to “help” with complete confusion … only to be dismissed again:

“Not like THAT! You’re making it WORSE!”

Whatever “worse is” also remains a mystery to me.  Except that I do now know how I feel.  I am angry as well.  For no reason I can fathom, my integrity has been called into question, my awareness for a loved one has been found lacking, my attempts to figure out what help is required have been dismissed as inept – and now (with a logic I never get) it is my fault that my loved one is both angry and “unhelped”.

“Just leave me alone!  I’ll do it myself … AS USUAL!”

And my help is no longer required . My presence now an irritant.  Simply breathing something that keeps the anger of my loved one going.  Except whatever dilemma my loved one found themselves in seems so much less catastrophic than either they (or I) thought.  Now extricating themselves with ease – with the lubricant of much bile in my direction – now the work of seconds (and I am always left with why my “help” was even  demanded in the first place).

A small confession.

I have not only been the receiver of such drama – I have also been the giver of such drama.  I understand the mental process of frustration with whatever “something” I am doing.  I get the rise in frustration internally.  I sense the need for a release.  And I pull the trigger!

“Don’t just stand there … HELP ME!”

It’s just that being the recipient of that outburst is never as fulfilling as the giver of.

And the truth?

“Helping” (by stepping in) was (and is) never needed at all.  Simply being the target of (and the sponge for) the outburst (and release) was all that was needed.  Except I never get that (either as the giver or recipient) in that moment.

It’s another reason GSHJ rocks.

He “gets it” every time even in that moment – even as I am yelling and screaming and rolling on the floor like a tantrummy toddler screaming “FIX THIS NOW!”

(whereas I have to calmly draw on memories and write this post, when I am miles from the emotion of those moments, to finally “get it” myself)

And next time such a moment happens … ?