Take all that guilt and fear away


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Love this group.  Who else can I turn to at silly o’clock and not be told “Go Back To Sleep!!!!!” 😂😂😂
Something is on my mind that goes to the heart of where I was and never realised.  It popped out in a comment at 3.30am to another human being I have come to think of (without realising) as “another shielder”.  A mindset – “shielding” – more top-of-my-head than seeing “another human being”.
It was this …
“Thank YOU! My very first “before cuddles” was a guilt laden (but still remembered) fist-bump at arm’s length.  I touched the wee one.  I.  Touched.  Another.  Human.  Being.  (and one I love deeply).  Same here – mixed up happy/sad and a lot of guilt.  First time I’ve admitted that publicly.  What difference is there?  I never used a sheet – was given the white ninja suit and mask, etc.  But that fleeting fist-bump started something important.  That I was treating this child like a toxic virus laden intruder into my safe space.  And this wee one is not (just) “that”.  No one can give any of us The Answer.  And I can’t give you a risk-free 100% no-risk way forwards.  I found my way just as you are yours – that fleeting touch will already have lit a fire for more inside you ❤️❤️❤️  Research was my answer: to find a way that was guilt-free for all of us – because our daughter was as afraid of me giving her little one “it” as she was of her little one giving me “it”.  Take all that guilt and fear away and you have something “risk safe/worth it” – whatever the product/thing is. “
That I was treating this child like a toxic virus laden intruder into my safe space.
What has my fear done to me that we look on each other as toxic.  As carriers of a deadly enemy.  As one carrying my death.  How have I been so ready to make you into something you are not and never have been.  An innocent wee child now viewed with more fear than I have ever felt in my whole life.  How the F**K did I – did we ALL – allow myself to go along with this?
Electricity.  Fire.  Gas.  Cars.  Planes.  Knives.  Tripping and falling.  Too much salt.  Too many ciggies.  Too much alcohol.  An overdose of this.  Even not drinking enough water – or too much water.  Not eating the right food – eating too much.  Self harm – self esteem – self healing …  I am surrounded by things that can and will kill me.  But because they are not “new”, I live with and amongst these deadly risks without fear or guilt.
Looking back, that momentary guilt-laden fear-filled exquisite tear-jerking never-before admitted tiny “fist-bump” was my turning point.  The moment I saw beyond what I had created: that I had made an innocent unconditionally loving bundle of love into a toxic virus laden intruder into my safe space.
Don’t blame the government or “following the science” …  I let MY fear create that.  I allowed MY guilt to make my “creation of danger” that toxic and dangerous.
And THEN I had the temerity to sit behind MY brick walls and curse MY neighbours having a great time with those they love?  Really, Paul, and THAT is okay with you?  You can live with that rage and call it righteous?  You who turned your wee innocent grandson into a “toxic virus laden intruder”?
Back then (a few short weeks ago) I could never have put all these mixed-up happy-sad thoughts into words.  I only had sobs of regret, fear, love and guilt – and self-pity.  This comment here – and a few weeks of living – allows me now to find the words.
F**k that for living!
That is not the me I want to be.  Not the me I want others to see as me.  Just as with that long list of things I take for granted AND that can also kill me – I WILL find my way of being safe enough to live with other human beings who are ABOVE ALL ELSE human beings first and POTENTIAL BUT NOT PROVEN toxic virus laden intruders into my (self-created) “safe space” a VERY POOR second.
“Our daughter was as afraid of me giving her little one “it” as she was of her little one giving me “it”.”
We are all brilliant at risk-assessment when it is with those we love and who love us.  No government or “medical science” is better than me and us for this moment in my life.  All “they” can do is tell me the percentage risk to a innocent child of me hitting them with my car (remember them?) IF I am driving at 45mph instead of 30mph in a 30mph zone.  Speed limits are not “rules” they are legally enforceable laws.  Yet I consider them guidelines and good advice.  Which is why I choose to drive at 5mph when “conditions” tell me that is the safe speed at that moment.  And why I choose 85mph on a deserted, dry well-lit and safe motorway.  Done both many times.  My car has not “but what if …” EVER!  And what I choose requires me to be safe AND my passengers to be safe AND those outside my (moving portable shielding) vehicle to be safe. Not risk-free but risk-safe (or “living” as we call it).
This IS a support group.
In more ways than I ever realised when I ticked ‘yes’ to that box.  A human being called Emma helped me to find these words at silly o’clock tonight.  And now my little friend in the tree outside is telling me that it is not “silly o’clock” at all.  This is not a “support group” – we are all wonderful human beings fighting through the impersonal label of “shielders”.
No one is a toxic virus laden intruder – not unless I make them so.  And you are all helping me find “risk-safe” again.
Thank you..
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